Little did I know that this post will be my last post in this series. Way, way before my heart was ready for it =(
It all started after a long holiday at the end of last year where I had only latched my boy and had not eaten any form of milk boosters. I went back to work this year and found out to my horror that my supply had dipped to only 80-120ml each session. Some days it was only 50ml per session (both sides)! I was horrified! I had to pump twice in order to fulfill one feed for my boy! This had never happened to me before! >_<
Plus Baby Boy got a bad case of the flu, which led to the 3-in-1 package: flu, cough and fever. He refused to latch no matter what so I had to feed him formula and whatever amount of milk that I had pumped out.
|Brought Baby Boy to Tiong Bahru Bakery with me even though he was still sick so that both of us can get some fresh air and the mum-in-law can get a break|
I thought, "you know what, he's sick that's why he doesn't want to latch. Maybe he will when he's better." And well 2 weeks later, he still refuses to latch!!!!!
Noooo!! This can't be happening to me! I mean I knew this day was coming, when I'd stop breastfeeding and likely not be able to breastfeed anymore because we have decided to stop at 2 (no more unless it was a miracle from God delivered by an angel!), but I DID NOT see this coming. At all.
Ever the optimist, I still harboured some hope that he would miraculously latch again and all would be awesome but deep down inside I knew, my journey of breastfeeding was about to end =(
I know what you're thinking. "Mad, this is great news! You should be happy. You have done your duty and got your boobs back. You can wear real-people dresses (and you love your dresses!) and not the same old nursing clothes that you have worn again and again for the last 13 months. You can finally carry that pretty Longchamp handbag that you had bought in London instead of that bulky backpack that you carry everyday to work. You can go out and not have to worry that you need to pump or need a place to store your milk. You are free!"
True that. But somehow I don't feel very happy. I was not ready to stop the bonding between my baby and I.
I cried real tears of heartbreak in the middle of the night because my baby didn't want to latch. I felt so rejected! And unprepared. I know you think I'm dramatic but if you're a breastfeeding mother, you can identify with me.
Which is a real irony because with my girl, I was soooo ready to stop at 12 months but had to continue till 18 months because my girl refused to stop. Now I'm not ready to stop but my boy is! *sigh*
So although I can continue expressing milk till 18 months if I wanted to, I have decided to stop breastfeeding because I see no point in continuing if my boy doesn't want to. Besides, you know how much I hate to pump.. I had envisioned myself bonding with my baby and not with the pump! =(
I'm still pumping at least once a day though because it takes time to stop completely. If I stop too quickly I'll get engorgement again, which is not something I particularly fancy.
This journey of breastfeeding was challenging; there were a lot of ups and downs but through it all, I realised that there were 2 ingredients for my success: determination and prayer! Thanks for following me on my journey! Hope you have learnt something along the way =)
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