Psych of Parenting 5: Dealing with Grief

This post is written in response to the request of a friend who would like to know how to break bad news such as death to a child. What is the most appropriate manner to tell our kids? Here're 10 things that you can say to your child to help them understand.

Read the full article here

Fellow SMB Angeline has also written a nice article on this topic with examples. Do note that very young children are concrete, meaning that they cannot understand concepts that they can't see such as philosophy, heaven and death. A general rule of thumb is, the younger the child, the more concrete they are so be sure to use age-appropriate words when explaining abstract concepts.

If you're interested to read more, here are other useful sites:

• Institute of Mental Health (IMH): Coping with bereavement
• The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): The Typical Grieving Process
• Association for Death Education & Counselling (ADEC): Children's Grief

This post is part of my infographic series on the Psychology of Parenting.

Follow me as I attempt to make psychological research more understandable =)

<< Back to Parenting Psych 4: Seven Social Skills to Teach Your Kids

Psych of Parenting 3: Importance of Positive Peer Relationships in School

A lot of times when our kids don't do well in school, we think that they need more tuition or more assessment books. However, research is now showing (and justifying what I have believed all along) that school performance is more than just brain power.

Peers, which refers to children who are of the same age or intellectual level, play a very important part in how well your child does in school.

If you think about it, it makes sense. When I was Primary 5 or 6, I remember spending many afternoons after school with my friends doing homework. I didn't do it because I liked homework (definitely not!); I did it because I wanted to be with my friends. We helped each other when the other didn't know how to solve a Mathematics problem and tested each other's memory of the information in the textbook.

In order to have friends, one has to be accepted by peers. In psychology, Peer Acceptance refers to the "likability" of a child or the extent by which other children want to play with the child.

The way that researchers determined peer acceptance (i.e. the likability of each child) in the class was by asking them to list 3 classmates that they liked and 3 classmates that they disliked.

The researchers then drew on a graph and linked the children to each other based on the children's answers. For example, if John listed Alice, Gabriel and Tom as the classmates he liked, then 3 red arrows will be drawn from him to them. Grey arrows were used in the same way for classmates that he disliked.

Children who were:

• Popular = had 2 or more red arrows and no grey arrows pointing to them
• Controversial = had at least 1 red arrow and none or some grey arrows pointing to them
• Neglected = had no arrows pointing to them 
• Rejected = had only grey arrows pointing to them 

These four broad categories of children are summarised in the infographic below.

A lot of the time, the common practice in most schools is removing a child whenever he/she does not behave in the class or can't get along with his/her classmates. This is not recommended as this may further increase the peer rejection.

Instead, researchers suggest that teachers work with the child within the classroom by teaching the child social skills to help him/her to improve their peer relationships and teaching the other children (especially the popular children) to be accepting and not isolate/reject others.

We can also play our part as parents in imparting social skills to our kids. We will be sharing seven social skills that you can teach your kids in the next post in this series! Stay tuned! =)

This post is part of my infographic series on the Psychology of Parenting.

Follow me as I attempt to make psychological research more understandable =)

Continue to >> Psychology of Parenting 4: Improving Your Child's Social Skills

<< Back to Psychology of Parenting 2: Helping Teens Cope

Psych of Parenting 2: Helping Teens Cope

One minute they are cute and innocent and the next minute they become sulky teenagers who are too smart for their own good, want to exert their independence and prefer the company of their friends to their family.

Just how do we navigate the murky waters also known as adolescence?

We need to first understand the issues that our adolescents (aka teenagers) face before we can help them. Usually kids start to become teenagers once they hit puberty and that lasts till about 18-21 years old where they are old enough to make their own decisions (and are considered young adults).

If you have kids who are teenagers or have friends who do, this could be helpful. If you're a teenager who wishes that your parents see this, send it to them! =)

Reproduced with permission from an article written by Dr Quah Saw Han

Parents of teenagers, what other advice do you have? Share them in the comments =)

This post is part of my infographic series on the Psychology of Parenting.

Follow me as I attempt to make psychological research more understandable =)

Continue to >> Psychology of Parenting 3: Importance of Positive Peer Relationships in School

<< Back to Psychology of Parenting 1: Influence of Parenting on Child Development

Psych of Parenting 1: Influence of Parenting on Child Development

This is something that I've always wanted to do but have not because, well, it reminds me of work and I don't want my hobby to feel like work! However, I've been getting a lot of requests to write more about psychology so here we are.

In order to make it more fun for me and easier to understand for you, I'm going to do it with infographics! =)

The first post in this series looks at the effects that parenting have on child development. Much as we hate to admit it, much of our kids' lives are not in our control. The thing we can try to at least have some amount of control is our parenting. We can attempt to be better parents for our kids (noticed I said "better" and not "perfect").

Depending on the age of the child, the influence of parenting will vary. For example, pre-school children tend to be more affected by parenting practices as compared to school-going children, who will be largely influenced by peers and other factors.

Read the full article here

To put it simply:
1) Talk to them, all the time
2) Be the person you want them to be
3) Tell them stories about their heritage

Of course, this does not discount the fact that a large part of the influence could also be due to genetics but I'm not going to go there because there has always been a big debate about that and no one has an answer. I'd rather focus on what can be changed because unfortunately, we can't really change our genes.

Which is why I've decided to put together this series and with the help of my fellow psychologists (thanks guys!), we're going to bring you various insights to your questions such as "How do I know that my son has autism?", "How do I help my teenager cope with stress?" and more!

If you have questions that you would like to get answers to, please do leave them in the comments and I will try to get answers to them for you (no promises though because we are not omniscient! *laughs*).

This series will be coming to you at least once a month so stay tuned! =)

This post is part of my Infographic Series on the Psychology of Parenting.
Follow me as I attempt to make psychological research more understandable =)

Continue to >> Psychology of Parenting 2: Helping Teens Cope

London Day 2-4: The 9th ICCAP at the University of Roehampton

We woke up really early that morning (still living on Singapore time apparently) and were the first at breakfast.

Ham & Salami

Fresh toast, tea and coffee

Although it was bread, ham, cereal and eggs every morning, the mum and I still went religiously every morning because a) we were really hungry and b) we wanted to save money. We love the croissants and milk! =)

After breakfast, I left my baby in the care of my mum and walked to the Hammersmith Bus Station to take Bus 72 to the University of Roehampton where the conference was held.

Buses from Hammersmith Bus Station to Roehampton

On Bus 72

Crossed the Hammersmith Bridge every morning on my way to Roehampton

I had previously screenshot a map of the college and the nearest bus stop (Bus Stop 72024) so it was easy for me to locate the bus stop to alight. It also helped that the location of every stop is announced and displayed at the front of the bus =)

Left: I looked out for the tip of this church and the Shell station next to it before alighting
Right: Press button and wait before crossing the road

I found my way to the Whitelands College quite easily (reading maps was always my strength *laughs*).

Whitelands College
(Address: Holybourne Avenue, London, SW15 4JD)

This cool building is the home to the Department of Psychology of the University of Roehampton

Registration at the 9th ICCAP

This is the 9th International Conference on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology organised and hosted by the University of Roehampton where psychology researchers from 42 countries gathered to share research and discuss ideas on child and adolescent psychopathology.

It was my first time attending an international psychology conference and I was excited! I attended as many of the presentations as I could over the 3-day conference and enjoyed every session. I thought the research that was shared was very relevant to my work as well as my interests in child and adolescent research.

During lunch of the first day, I met up with the Director of the Center of Sexual Health Research at the University of Southampton and had a very interesting conversation with him on teen pregnancy and sexual abuse in the UK. In the afternoon, I presented a poster that was written by my work buddy and I at the Manresa Hall on behalf of my organisation.

All the posters are presented at the old school Manresa Hall

Definitely a significant milestone for me as a researcher =)

It was a very valuable experience sharing my research and learning from other researchers in the field. I'm very grateful to my organisation for sending me =)

After the conference in the evening, I brought my mum and baby out so that they are not cooped up in the hotel all day. It does not get dark until 9pm here in London during the summer so we have a few hours to explore the city.

We decided to head to somewhere near enough to Hammersmith and yet had to be accessed by train so that we can make full use of our 7-day unlimited travel pass (typical cheapo I know *laughs*). We decided on Paddington and made our way there via the Hammersmith and City line.

Entrance to the Hammersmith Station for the Hammersmith & City (pink) and Circle (yellow) lines
(Note that it is different from the entrance to the Hammersmith Station for the District & Piccadilly lines,
although they are just a short street away from each other)

Tube trains serving both lines
(check the information displayed on the trains to ensure that you are taking the correct line)

Paddington Station, just 7 stops away from Hammersmith Station

We arrived at Paddington and explored the neighbourhood.

Boats parked along the Paddington Basin

Ducks swimming in a line (you don't see this in our Singapore canals, do you?)

A book shop on water! Way cool!

It was a 5-minute walk from the Paddington tube station to the Paddington Railway Station
(we got a little lost initially)

The moment we arrived we knew we had to have dinner as we were famished! Garfunkel's looked kind of cool so it became our choice of restaurant (we're not very complicated people).

Garfunkel's restaurant at Praed Street

Eating at Garfunkel's

St. Mary's Hospital,
where Prince George was born to the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge

I have no pictures of our food because we were so hungry that I forgot to take photos till we had finished eating everything! We had a burger and fish and chips, which were ok (nothing really special).

We spent the rest of the evening walking along the street and buying souvenirs. It was a really nice and cool evening for a walk.

The beautiful Hilton London Paddington Hotel

I can't wait to visit more of London after the end of the conference =)


Continue to >> London Day 3: Natural History, Victoria & Albert Museum & Harrods
<< Back to London Day 1: Hammersmith & Transport in London

~~~~~~

Download our London Itinerary 2014 Printable, 
Read my London Train Travel Tips if it's your first time travelling by train in London,
OR

Visit MADPSYCHMUM TRAVELS for the rest of my posts on London, UK 

as well as other travel itineraries! Many thanks to my friends, who had contributed many of the recommendations included in our London Itinerary 2014.

You can also follow my travel adventures on Instagram via the hashtag #madpsychmumtravels! =)

Discomfort is the Recipe for Cranky Kids

I don't know about you but I love to fly business class. I just got back from Sydney via business class on a budget airline ('cos we can't afford the "real" thing alright *laughs*) and boy, did we enjoy the spacious seats that allowed us to lean all the way back without hitting someone's head. Sure, for the same amount of money we could have flown economy on a five star airline but we decided that our comfort for the 8-hour journey was more important to us.

When you're uncomfortable, you're just more tired and cranky and a lot less pleasant to be with.

Girl sleeping comfortably on the plane across 2 seats

We made sure that my girl was wearing her Drypers Drypantz because she had previously accidentally peed on her seat on the flight back from Hong Kong. Since our flight to Sydney was 8.5 hours, we were not taking any chances! She has been wearing diaper pants from Drypers since last year (when she was toilet-trained for day but not for night) and we really like it as she can wear it for hours without leaking or causing a diaper rash (my girl has really sensitive skin!).

She slept really well on the plane without moving much. When she woke up just before we landed, I removed her diapers and it was full to the brim! Thank God we put a good diaper on her!

Her Drypers Drypantz was also our must-have for the long car rides in Sydney where my girl will be fast asleep in the car. She'll sometimes forget that she is not wearing a diaper so she might accidentally pee while she's sleeping and we really do not want to dirty the car seat that we rented. Not to mention that if need be, we do not need to stop for an emergency toilet break if a toilet is not in sight for the next, I don't know, 50km.

New and improved Drypers Drypantz

Recently Drypers improved the look and feel of their diaper pants, which was great news for us since we already love the old version. I don't think it's possible but they have made it even more absorbent and comfortable!

Baby Boy also got to try out the new Drypers Wee Wee Dry, which is softer than its predecessor, fits more comfortably and is gentle on baby's skin.

My boy getting ready to sleep with his favourite bolster and pacifier

Wearing the new Drypers Wee Wee Dry

Comfort and absorbency are my top priority when choosing a diaper for my babies since they wear diapers almost every minute of everyday for the first few years of their lives. A sticky and scratchy diaper (believe me, we have ever bought diapers like that) that causes diaper rash can be, quite literally, a pain in the ass.

Drypers Wee Wee Dry is softer to touch and is formulated with natural plant extracts so that it is also gentle on baby's skin

Baby Boy has been wearing the diapers for a few weeks and so far, we had no problems with leaks or diaper rash. I also liked the Flexi-tape, which could be fastened again and again. This function was useful as there were many occasions that we would open the diaper to change it thinking that there was poop, only to find out that it was a false alarm. Instead of throwing the diaper away like we used to, we'd just have to re-fasten the tab instead. Saved us a few diapers in the process! =)

The Flexi-tape™  is specially designed to allow for multi-refastening so as to ensure the best fit for any size

It's part of my job as a mum to ensure that my kids are free of pain and that I'm their source of comfort when they are distressed. In Psychology, a child will go to the person whom they have formed a secure attachment with (also known as the Secure Base) for comfort when they are feeling distressed.

Comfy little "joey" in mama's bosom

I'm always the one the kids run to whenever they are sick (as my girl was in this picture), hurt or scared!

I'm glad that I was always the one that the kids go to whenever they are scared, sick, in pain or uncomfortable! =)

With the kids growing up faster than I can bake a cake in the oven (as in an actual oven and not my baby-making organ), every minute counts! I don't want to have to spend our precious time together fretting over small and unnecessary stuff like bottom rash and diaper leaks. When they are comfortable, they're happy; and when they're happy, I'm happy! =)

Drypers Wee Wee Dry (left) and Drypers Drypantz (right)

Just for our readers only!
If you would like to give the new and improved Drypers a try, great news!

Receive a $10 FairPrice Voucher with every purchase of 2 PACKS of Drypers Wee Wee Dry or Drypers Drypantz!

Simply email a scanned or snapped photo of the receipt (proof of purchase) and your personal particulars with the subject title “madpsychmum” to sg.contest@sca.com to enjoy this promotion.

Terms and Conditions of this Redemption:
a) This redemption ends on 30th June 2014 (Monday) and is only open to readers living in Singapore.
b) This redemption is limited to one per household and is not applicable to Drypers Drypantz M-4pieces, L-3pieces, XL-3pieces and XXL-3pieces.


Disclosure: This is Part 3 of a series of sponsored stories on behalf of Drypers Singapore. All opinions are my own.

No Pressure, Yeah Right

When I was a student & stay-at-home mum (SAHM), I had time. I went out with my mum-in-law to the malls every afternoon (that's how my list of nursing rooms came about), we had high tea, we shopped.. it was great.

Out and about with my 3 month old baby girl

But then people started to say things about how lucky I was that I don't need to work (I perceived that to be sarcasm), how I'm wasting my graduate degree, how tiring my husband must be to have to bear the expenses of the household, etc. Not only was I the only one at reunions with a kid in tow (as I felt she was my only accomplishment thus far), I was also the only one not working.

It takes a special person to be a SAHM and unfortunately, I'm not that special person. I can't cook, I don't clean and I don't have the patience to face my kid all day. Simply put, I'm terrible at my previous job while my mum-in-law excelled at it.

My mum advised me that it's not good for a cave to have 2 lionesses. The mum-in-law hinted numerous of times that either one of us must go back to work and I know she was secretly hoping it was me because she would have hated being separated from her precious little girl, her reason to wake up every morning since my dad-in-law passed on. It not only made more economical sense that I went to work seeing that I earn more, but also practical too since she knew I would do a lousier job than her at taking care of my girl's daily needs.

So went back to work I did, when my girl was 18 months old.

But it was really hard leaving my girl at home. I missed her all the time whenever I was at work and started plastering her pictures all over my cubicle to make myself feel better.

The pictures of her were always the first thing on my cubicle wall

It's also hard to organise my time. I felt I was literally torn between work, taking care of my girl, taking care of myself and spending time with the hubby, my family and friends. I also had to get used to waking up early to commute to work, after years of sleeping and waking at any time I wished (plus I'm not a morning person at all!). Nevertheless, I don't regret my decision to return to the workforce. More than just the financial freedom, which believe me I completely enjoy, I derive a lot of meaning and purpose at my job, doing my little part for the many children who are abused and neglected. It also helps that my bosses are very understanding, often letting me take urgent leave or work flexible hours (this was why I chose the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) in the first place).

Looking back, it was great that I had a chance to be a miserable SAHM. No matter how busy or tired I am at work, I will never yearn for the grass on the other side because I was there and didn't like it at all.

I'm now a full-time working mum (FTWM) for the last 16 months.. and proud! =)

Linking Up With:

 

The Art of Positive Reinforcement

I have been wanting to create a reward chart for my girl for a long time (since she was 1 years old *gasp*) but didn't manage to do so until my mum-in-law bought a whole set of 500 stickers for her to play with. I thought the stickers would be put to better use for a reward chart so I finally drew up a simple chart after work a few days ago.

Happy with her 1st reward chart

We started off with a few simple tasks (I'll probably make them harder as we go along) that she can do easily such as peeing in the toilet, minding her manners, etc. Every time she does any of the tasks, she gets a sticker as a reward.

Happily sticking on her chosen sticker

Checking that it is in place

After accumulating enough stickers, she gets a simple prize of her choice (knowing her, she will probably choose chocolate ice-cream or something). It's just a simple way to quantify her achievements =)

What about you? How do you reward your kids?

Linking Up With:

The Benefits of Play Therapy

Photo credit: zach.wise via photopin cc

Play is an important part of a child’s development. It promotes exploration and mastery and allows the child to express themselves in a non-threatening environment. Recognising the power of pretend play as a way of self-expression for children, child psychologists and therapists are increasingly using play therapy in their sessions.

Therapeutic Play is Important for 7 Reasons:

1) Communication
In situations where the child finds it difficult to talk about their painful experiences, for example sexual abuse, play is often used as a mode of communication between the psychologist and the child. As play is seen as separate from reality, the child is also able to freely express negative feelings that they may have towards their parents or other adults which may otherwise not be expressed in real life because of fear.

2) Pleasure
And since play is essentially fun, even the most withdrawn or resistant child will be open to therapy if you engage them in play!

3) Therapeutic Alliance
At the same time, play also strengthens the therapeutic relationship between the psychologist and client where the latter learns to trust and open up to the former. Such a therapeutic alliance is necessary in order for therapy to be successful.

4) Insight
Therapeutic play also provides an insight into the child’s thought processes, personality and even psychopathological symptoms. The way a child reacts when they win or lose the game can inform the psychologist on their coping strategies or highlight any atypical behaviour.

5) Socialization
Because the therapist is also a player in the game, he/she is able to model to the child the right behaviour in a social situation. For example, the child can observe how the therapist deals with the disappointment of losing the game and learn the appropriate tone of voice to use. The child also learns how to follow rules and how to react in a socially appropriate way (for example, not screaming when he loses or gloating when he wins). Such social modelling is essential for the development of social relationships in any child.

6) Cognitive Development
Intellectual challenge is often used in many games hence cognitive skills such as memory, concentration, logical thinking and problem solving are often developed as a result. The ability to think logically and rationally is important in therapy as it leads to self-reflection and understanding. When the child is able to draw the link between their actions and its consequent behaviour, they are more likely to rethink their actions.

7) Enhance Self-Esteem
The experience of playing a game promotes organisation, mastery of anxiety and self-esteem. The child learns how to take turns, follow rules and feel a sense of satisfaction when they win. The success of the game also prepares the way for deeper therapeutic interventions in subsequent sessions.

The moral of the story?
Don’t Underestimate the Power of Play =)


P.S: As far as I know, certification in play therapy is not yet available in Singapore. If you do know of any avenues where certification is available, please do leave me a comment with the contact =)

Reference:

Schaefer, C. E. & Reid, S. E. (2001). Game Play - Therapeutic Use of Childhood Games. John Wiley & Sons, Inc: United States of America.

Why We Shouldn't Tell Our Kids to "Stop It!"

As parents, whenever our kids are misbehaving, our first instinct is always to ask them to "Stop it!"

But as you can see in this humourous video, it is not really helpful..

I was at a training recently where we were being taught on how to use the Attachment Model for children living in children's homes aka residential care. Our trainer, Dr Art from the Center for Family Development, showed us this video to illustrate that as therapists or staff working with children with history of abuse and neglect, just telling the child to stop the behaviour or stop the emotions is not going to lead to long term results.

I really enjoyed the course and thought that some of what I've learnt can be used as parents in dealing with our children as well so I'm sharing some of my learning points with you =)

1) Ask Questions, Don't Assume

I, for one, am very guilty of this! If my girl is throwing a tantrum, I assume she is in one of her princess moods and scolds her, only to find out that she is actually frustrated that she wanted to give me a piece of sweet but I was totally not paying attention. I ended up apologising profusely to her.. for being such a mean mum =(

So the next time your kid is "acting up", pause and find out what's really going on; which leads me to the next point..

2) Address the Cause, Not the Behavior

Dr Art illustrated it this way, if you have a fever and go to the doctor, your doctor is not going to give you medication for the fever. Instead, he's going to ask you some questions, check your throat, listen to your lungs and then treat the infection that causes the fever. If you treat the infection, the fever goes away.

Similarly, whenever a child throws a tantrum (i.e fever), we've got to dig deeper & address the cause of the behaviour (i.e infection).

Very often as parents, myself included, we tend to focus our attention on stopping the behaviour. "Stop whining!", "stop screaming!", "Why are you not doing your homework? Stop watching TV!" And when they continue to exhibit the behaviour, we get frustrated and wonder why our kids are not listening to us.

Instead, we should be finding out why they are behaving the way they do.

Ask them (after you've calmed them down), "Why are you screaming? Are you feeling angry? Why are you angry?"

More often than not, once you address the cause of the bahaviour, the behaviour will go away.

3) True Relationship Begets True Compliance

It is in-built in us to want to please the one we love.

Instead of focusing on enforcing compliance via punishment or force, focus on building your relationship with your child.

Once you've got a great relationship with your child, your child will want to obey you simply because they love you and not because of a strict set of rules and regulations.

Isn't it just like how we obey God because we love Him? That's the best kind of compliance!

Hope these learning points are as helpful to you as they were to me =)

Development of Self-Awareness

Children start to show recognition of self at around 18 months.

How do we know this?

Research has shown that if you show photos of different children to a child who's around 18 months old, he/she is able to accurately select a photo of self from a set of 3 photos. They are also more likely to copy the actions of self rather than of another infant when watching videos of each.

But the most common way to tell if your child has developed self-awareness is by administering the famous “Rouge” Test (Anderson, 1972; Lewis & Brooks-Gunn, 1979).

You can even conduct this test yourself in the comfort of your own home =)

Do-It-Yourself Psychology Experiment: The "Rouge" Test

Step 1: Dab some lipstick on your child's nose

Step 2: Bring your child in front of a mirror

 Remember, don't do anything that will hint to the child that there is something on his/her nose!

Step 3: Observe your child's reaction

If your child makes a conscious attempt to touch the nose to either wipe the lipstick mark away or shows some indication that it is there, then your child has developed self-awareness =)

This development of self-awareness happens typically around 18 months old (plus, minus).

Try it yourself! You can be your own psychologist =)